Cardboard Nirvanas Totally Wrong Gatecrash Pre-Release Guide
I lack the patience to wait for the microwave at work to heat up a bowl of tomato bisque for lunch so I have amazed even myself in that I haven’t chosen what bento box I will magically munch down for the Gatecrash pre-release bacchanalia of early morning play. This amazement is only eclipsed by the fact that I will tolerate tepid soup over an additional 30 seconds of microwave action.
While I am a new player I confidently declare that I am moving from crap play to the bisque-tepid mediocrity of getting-the-hang-of-this play. Gatecrash is the first set I have had the time to analyze in terms of mechanics, interactions and the presence of what awesome piece art is going to be attached to a mostly “meh” creature or ability (Serene Remembrance) Rather than simply make notes about what to look for and what to look out for for personal use, I am sharing this useless information with you in Soliloquy form. As noted in the title: it’s all wrong and you should take none of it to heart unless you are triple threat trained and your voice is presently at least busking-worthy.
BOROS - don’t play this. Articulate aggro players will be soakin’ BOROS up - high on whatever it is Frontline Medic is pushin’ from behind the ApothecaryShield™; you’ll be surrounded by so much Red & White you may find yourself wanting to rescind your Canookhood and take an oath against poutine consumption. The mechanic is Battalion so they are going to need to double and treble up to get it off (on the field). The savvy ones are going to scour their bentos for suitable unholy unions in GRUUL colours. If they can, they will be much tougher to manage. If they have it in the box, they would be foolish not to drop Blind Obedience in a slot and keep Smite for smottin’. Have removal/counters for this Nirvie. They are also going to be slingin’ some costly Angels at you, never let them get that far. Boros Charm is so awesome it’s going to find its way into marshmallow form and into a cereal box soon. If they have Gideon - they are going to play him just to prove to their friends that the $40 dollar pre-order for him was totally worth it! If they play Zarichi Tiger, Gatecrashes own Trained Caracal, don’t be afraid to sing 80’s tunes in response; it’s only proper. If by some cosmic luck they drop Aurelia’s Fury - go to Game 2. Play Guild Sticker Ante with these guys so you can collect them all!

“Uh, why you boys all wearing red shirts anyway?”
GRUUL - don’t play this either. Denizens of Gruul are the less articulate aggro players wandering around trying to figure out of if “Borborygmos” is Scrabble-legal. These guys can tap into a lot of good in green and a lot of fast and nasty in red. Ask them if they think that’s a field hockey stick that Foundry Street Denizen is holding, then declare attackers. Like the bottom of the battalion #Boros players, they will be snappin’ Skullcrack as often as they can at you - counter spell and steal their crackthunder! Gruul also have easy access to some miming oozes-type things, don’t let ‘em reproduce, or pump in green what they already have. Warn them about the dangers of messing with The Mimeoplasm. Bloodrush is a great mechanic, but basically they are going to have to diminish their hands to make it work, and it only works until EoT. If they leverage the mechanic, they may short themselves on spells. If they drop their Planeswalker, Domri Rade - sing an Oliver Twist medley in an Ethel Merman voice to take them off their game. Watch out for Ground Assault - it’s fully of DeathSurpreeeze! Pit-Fight is Fight Bear without The Bear! Oh, and they have some tasty land destruction in Frenzied Tilling. Gruul Charm is “meh”-nageable.

“Kill them all, let Kerrigan sort them out.”
SIMIC - Oh Fathom Mage, with your Sharon Osborne red hair, I adore you, but I ain’t playin’ ya. The MTG math genii will be playing Simic as they see the advantages of the Evolve mechanic and if they can nuance it with a good sealed pull, they are going to give you a run for your money. Watch out for too many 1-2 drop creatures, it means they don’t fully get the mechanic; the rest of the build could be weak. Watch out for their green access, their blue access and Master Biomancer. They are going to push you around with surprise spells like Hydroform. If they have Nimbus Swimmer, you’ll wish you were running a playset of them. Hope they don’t follow up the Swimmer with Zegana. Zameck Guildmage you are going to want dead in a hurry. Seriously consider splashing green if your pool points to it. Simic Charm with Zegana on the field = bad. If they play Biomass Mutation, wait until they pass priority and then start singing “Oh No! There Goes Tokyo - Go Go Godzilla” before you counter the spell. This is your hell-matchup; out-think them.

ORZHOV - Try not to sing “Grim Grinnin’ Ghosts" or recite lines from The Godfather when playing against Orzhov. Vizkopa Guildmage is awesome, consider rolling your opponent for it if they have her in foil. The Extort mechanic is surprisingly powerful and will need to be managed carefully, remember at this REL, you have to be all friendly. If you were playing Orzhov, you would hold on to Merciless Eviction. Deathpact Angel is a great card - something to counter on entry. Don’t be surprised to see honeypots tossed so that Executioner’s Swing can be swung.
